Desire

That’s Not what I meant!!!” I blurted out loud in frustration. My comment was directed at God on my way home from my second date with a new friend. I couldn't believe that at this point in my life I was once again being viewed as nothing more than a hot piece of meat…

It had been a long journey to get to the point where this made sense to me, but after having been in past unhealthy relationships that I was meant to feel like nothing, to realize that the person you love, gave more respect and attention to a perfect stranger than his own wife, I understood. These relationships shook my very being as a person. They were very hurtful, yet after it all was said and done, humbling. By humbling, I mean that never before had I truly understood what it felt like to give all of yourself, simply out of love and to not have it returned. I was not appreciated, loved or desired. it was  then I saw I was in a position that no matter what I did, nothing would change that feeling or the way I was treated.  

So moving on with my life, several months after the divorce, I began dating a particular individual that had not made his intentions and feelings quite clear to me and I had grown frustrated with him. I had resolved that I would begin seeking out what I truly wanted and not “place all my eggs in that basket.”

This relationship was not fulfilling my emotional need to feel desired. In the sense that I describe it, it is so much more than what would automatically come to your mind. While many confuse physical desire and emotional desire as the same thing, I was all too aware of the difference and was aiming for the one that would last when the beauty faded.  

I wanted to feel wanted. As simple as it sounded, that was it...

I allowed the opportunity to meet new people and placed myself out there again. I am a firm believer that if you want something, you must place your intentions out there, do your part to make it happen and then leave the rest up to God.

So there I was second date with Mr. Doctor and Lawyer, divorced but appeared humble, stimulated me mentally, hands on father, secure, established etc.. right …We’d had conversations that I had thought allowed him to see deeper inside me than the outside shell that God wrapped me in. We shared several things in common and I’d thought we were moving forward to something more than superficial.

And then the moves came on... His advances towards me were not subtle he was like a high school hormone driven boy that had never touched a girl! It was clear that he never even allowed the opportunity to see past my physical appeal, he only wanted me for one thing, his physical desires.

How naive and shallow was I in my younger years! Before, I had considered it a compliment that I was desired in this way, I fed off of it, it made me feel invincible and now it was  a slap in the face! I was so confident that the inner me was so much more appealing than what my exterior ever looked like and how could he not see that?

I realized that it’s all a matter of mindset- a deeper level.  Despite this man having much more life experience than me, nearly 15 years to be exact, he had still had never achieved the desire to look into someone’s soul, feel their energy, understand their thoughts. It was sad and discouraging, yet at the same time ironic, at that moment in my life.

However, it proved to me the actual kind of desire that I was craving, the desire I so desperately wanted… intimate, authentic, unwavering desire.

What do you value in a relationship, how do you feel loved? Is it only on the surface or is it much deeper than that?

Desire... It's easy to be the object of a man's sexual desires. It's primal, its what they are genetically engineered for, however it is another to have him desire you for your mind, to seek out your soul, and to touch your heart.

If he desires you in this way it is something that will be endless. It posses the ability to last even when the other has faded. What an amazing feeling to truly feel loved and desired in this way!

I believe this experience was God’s way of asking me, “What do you mean by you want to feel desired? Do you know what you mean?”

How do the people you love show you that you are desired? How do you show them? is it more than skin deep, will it last when all the beauty fades?

The word to this song never truly resonated until this point in my life now I get, now I understand. :)

You know I'd fall apart without you

I don't know how you do what you do

'Cause everything that don't make sense about me. 
Makes sense when I'm with you...

Anyone can tell you you're pretty, yeah

And you get that all the time, I know you do

But your beauty's deeper than the make-up

And I wanna show you what I see tonight...

And I just wanna wrap you up

Wanna kiss your lips

I wanna make you feel wanted

And I wanna call you mine

Wanna hold your hand forever

And never let you forget it

Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted

           

About this Blog, About Me...

My life's lessons...

I am a single mother to the most amazing angel on earth she is 7 years old, I refer to her as C in my blog. She is my motivation for getting to where I am now in life, and God is my driving force. 

It has been several years now that I've been working progressively towards that better future, our happy ever after, but in the process I have learned some very major, enlightening, and difficult lessons in life. 

It has been some time now that I have been contemplating putting myself out here as I have, however there does come a time where you take that single leap of faith and trust that you will fly.

My intention with this blog is not to show anything other than to provide other women, single mothers, individuals, like me inspiration,validation a relative platform, and motivation. 
Enlightenment for our lives. 

You are not alone in your journey and I hope that while many of the things I have learned in life were hard lessons I have captured the essence of what they taught me and am sharing these will you in hopes that they will help you in your journey towards achieving your dreams... 

With all my Love, my gift to you:

Finding love, Finding Myself...

 S. Inezz

Love Yourself

Recently my life has drastically changed in so many ways, the loss of a great male figure in my life, and just a couple months later, his devoted wife, my grandma, who  was a shining example of what a woman, wife, and mother should be and although at the end of her days she was suffering severely from Alzheimer's, I never once questioned my love for her and tried to visit her as much as I could because the love that she'd given me throughout my life was enough to last a lifetime.

Finding Love

In Addition to losing these two important people in my life I was quickly reminded of how I am still alone. As I sat in a church looking around at my family who I love dearly I realize that everyone has someone to lean on, everyone had a partner, everyone had their own “team” and although it has been Lil C and me for so long, It was then reaffirmed that I wanted something more, I wanted a love a love like theirs.

It’s not like I was being unrealistic, they showed me an example and so have other people in my family and among my peer group. I mean even today this was reaffirmed as I was blessed to learn more about a business associate of mine who has been married to his sweetheart for 30 years! I listened with intent wanting to absorb every bit of information he could provide me so that I could take mental notes on how to be successful in this area of my life. He detailed how they had dated for a few years then split up at which point he moved away for work, eventually met and got engaged to another woman out of state. But, he called off the engagement because something was missing and it didn't feel right... He came back home to Idaho to discover that the one thing that was missing was "her" he came home to his true love and they were engaged and married a short time later. 

His words to describe the last 30 years: "It’s been awesome." It touched my heart; it was so simply put but genuine. He shared with me that he felt the reason they have been able to keep the love alive was that over the years they spent a lot of time commuting to and from work, together. He said the time together to "communicate" is so important "nobody makes time for that anymore" he is so right, speaking from personal experience, I know it has been the detriment of several relationships. His words were just what I needed to hear though...

Love Hurts

During these last few months I came across several bumps in the road and the relationship that I was in it caused me to question whether I should run like I'm used to doing when it seem rough or stick it out. I decided to forgive and keep at it because love makes you do some crazy things and the fact that he was willing to learn from and make it right showed me that he cared, in my mind the goods about him outweighed the little quirks. I knew how valuable and hard it is to find a connection like that. Despite my attempt to give it another chance I was then hit with the third loss. The loss of this relationship, this relationship that I had invested so much of myself in, I had so much hope in, hope for the future.

The pain that is caused and when someone hurts you whether be intentionally or unintentionally the outcome is the same your heart is damaged just like a child that falls on the ground they will have bruises for a while but eventually they will fade. So as I realized that I cannot forgive overnight I understand that love is not picture perfect story. I think the thing that hurt me the most was that I'd put so much of myself into this relationship, with hope for the future and emphasis on whether or not this person loved me, that I forgot the true meaning of being happy. In all the commotion of life and in loss of my dear family, I forgot myself…

Love of One’s Self

It's so simple there's a quote that says "do not ever trust someone that tells you that they love you, if they don't love themselves." I lost sight of that, my sadness, insecurities and anger over feeling let down by someone I loved, were also due to that fact. 

A revelation came to me the other night after this disappointment, that despite whatever happened I am going to love me! I have not spent much time in my life making myself healthy allowing God to work through me and to restore my soul. If you love yourself people will see that you are worth their love and those that don't love and cherish you were never meant to be in your life anyway.

Re-focusing on You

Over the last few weeks I felt a sense of relief like my grandma was telling me "its ok babe, do you."

I had to allow myself to re-focus on me. So that I could be "love-able". So in this short time, I've been blessed with finding ways to get back to me. It honestly has been as simple as making sure I make time to write out my feelings, read more, not take work home every evening, getting out of town and/or allowing myself to get back in touch with nature. The simplistic beauty of my surroundings, allow me to Hear what God is telling me.                                                                                                               
And exercise, this has been HUGE. This has benefited me in so many ways. The first is really the most important to me, that by having an outlet to release all the pent up sadness, disappointment, anger, stress of the day, I get a sense of relief and feel a million times better almost immediately after. I feel as if all those negative feelings are being released through the energy I exert and the sweat I shed. Sounds crazy but hey, it works for me. The second is the more obvious one: weight loss and toning of my body. I had neglected my physical self for so long, being in a caretaker mindset I really didn't realize that I had gotten soft. So far, in the 3 weeks since grandma's passed I have lost 10 lbs. and gone down at least one pant size. My clothes fit better and in that I feel more confident.  

As a single mom I know it is so hard to get this alone times to work out, so some suggestions on what I have done are: I either take my little one along with me and make the workout an adventure, she doesn't even know that it is benefiting her as well: ie: bike rides, hiking, walks, swimming. For the times I really feel that I need to be alone I will wait till she goes to bed and do my little midnight run at the school nearby, or work with weights out back. 

I will continue to practice these things knowing that it will restore me to the point that I need to be. First to be strong for myself and more importantly for this little angel who is completely dependent on her mama. She deserves to have a mom that is physically, mentally, and spiritually healthy. 

Change doesn't happen until you do; well this is my “doing.” No more pity parties I will love ME.

And regarding the feelings of loss of those that I love I have more of a sense of gratitude for being blessed to have had such amazing people in my life. For the loss of such a dear relationship, whether it is a friend, or lover, maybe both; here is what I can say: We are never in control of the actions of others or what their moral compass is telling them, we can only hope and have faith that they will do the right thing. If they are a person of true moral integrity they will. A huge part of it is our responsibility to love ourselves enough to attract a person like this to us.

The next time a relationship goes wrong reflect on yourself and ask yourself "Do I love myself?” If not don't be surprised if things in your relationships are not where you want them to be. You must first change you, before running away from the situation or being left wondering “what went wrong?”  Things will fall into place. It makes it a lot easier when you are able to be in touch with who YOU are and what your convictions are. Those who truly love you will RISE up to your level and love you to this level of respect, those who don’t may throw in the towel. 

Either way when all is said and done you can say you loved YOU, and in turn were able to love them. The devastation won’t be as hard, you will recover quicker, and dust yourself off.  You will be able to raise your head up and focus on you goals and continue with this journey we call life looking forward with hope...

Love yourself.

Finding Love without pain

Finding Love without pain..

"Don't ask the world of someone if you haven't given them the world yourself. LIVE, LOVE,GIVE by example. The people that want to be in your life and desire your love will reciprocate the gesture." ~S.Inezz

I find that I struggle with allowing myself to just let go and feel. It's a very fine line that my emotions walk between loving someone and loving them so much that it hurts. I have no problem giving my love most of the time I give with no expectations of anything in return. Simply because the act of giving brings me joy.  But lately I've struggled with other feelings that I have to overcome and learn to dismiss. These are feelings of neglect, worry, fear, and distrust. All of these add up to pain. Pain from the fear that the love is not returned, worry that obstacles may arise, dis-trust that they will not be as Loyal to me as I have been for them, and an overwhelming fear of being neglected after I've given everything and allowed myself to be vulnerable to them.

How do I overcome? It is true that I have insurmountable faith in God. I trust him. And you'd think That trust would be enough, but my relationships here on earth that bring out these feelings are with another person. A person born of free will That is  given the choice every day to do what's right or what’s  wrong.

Answer: My only true chance to ensure none of these negative experiences are projected onto me is to love someone that had the same unfailing Faith in our creator, and in their own spirituality, because this person will possess the spiritual and moral integrity to love without inflicting pain.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. 1 Cor 13 4:8