Desire

That’s Not what I meant!!!” I blurted out loud in frustration. My comment was directed at God on my way home from my second date with a new friend. I couldn't believe that at this point in my life I was once again being viewed as nothing more than a hot piece of meat…

It had been a long journey to get to the point where this made sense to me, but after having been in past unhealthy relationships that I was meant to feel like nothing, to realize that the person you love, gave more respect and attention to a perfect stranger than his own wife, I understood. These relationships shook my very being as a person. They were very hurtful, yet after it all was said and done, humbling. By humbling, I mean that never before had I truly understood what it felt like to give all of yourself, simply out of love and to not have it returned. I was not appreciated, loved or desired. it was  then I saw I was in a position that no matter what I did, nothing would change that feeling or the way I was treated.  

So moving on with my life, several months after the divorce, I began dating a particular individual that had not made his intentions and feelings quite clear to me and I had grown frustrated with him. I had resolved that I would begin seeking out what I truly wanted and not “place all my eggs in that basket.”

This relationship was not fulfilling my emotional need to feel desired. In the sense that I describe it, it is so much more than what would automatically come to your mind. While many confuse physical desire and emotional desire as the same thing, I was all too aware of the difference and was aiming for the one that would last when the beauty faded.  

I wanted to feel wanted. As simple as it sounded, that was it...

I allowed the opportunity to meet new people and placed myself out there again. I am a firm believer that if you want something, you must place your intentions out there, do your part to make it happen and then leave the rest up to God.

So there I was second date with Mr. Doctor and Lawyer, divorced but appeared humble, stimulated me mentally, hands on father, secure, established etc.. right …We’d had conversations that I had thought allowed him to see deeper inside me than the outside shell that God wrapped me in. We shared several things in common and I’d thought we were moving forward to something more than superficial.

And then the moves came on... His advances towards me were not subtle he was like a high school hormone driven boy that had never touched a girl! It was clear that he never even allowed the opportunity to see past my physical appeal, he only wanted me for one thing, his physical desires.

How naive and shallow was I in my younger years! Before, I had considered it a compliment that I was desired in this way, I fed off of it, it made me feel invincible and now it was  a slap in the face! I was so confident that the inner me was so much more appealing than what my exterior ever looked like and how could he not see that?

I realized that it’s all a matter of mindset- a deeper level.  Despite this man having much more life experience than me, nearly 15 years to be exact, he had still had never achieved the desire to look into someone’s soul, feel their energy, understand their thoughts. It was sad and discouraging, yet at the same time ironic, at that moment in my life.

However, it proved to me the actual kind of desire that I was craving, the desire I so desperately wanted… intimate, authentic, unwavering desire.

What do you value in a relationship, how do you feel loved? Is it only on the surface or is it much deeper than that?

Desire... It's easy to be the object of a man's sexual desires. It's primal, its what they are genetically engineered for, however it is another to have him desire you for your mind, to seek out your soul, and to touch your heart.

If he desires you in this way it is something that will be endless. It posses the ability to last even when the other has faded. What an amazing feeling to truly feel loved and desired in this way!

I believe this experience was God’s way of asking me, “What do you mean by you want to feel desired? Do you know what you mean?”

How do the people you love show you that you are desired? How do you show them? is it more than skin deep, will it last when all the beauty fades?

The word to this song never truly resonated until this point in my life now I get, now I understand. :)

You know I'd fall apart without you

I don't know how you do what you do

'Cause everything that don't make sense about me. 
Makes sense when I'm with you...

Anyone can tell you you're pretty, yeah

And you get that all the time, I know you do

But your beauty's deeper than the make-up

And I wanna show you what I see tonight...

And I just wanna wrap you up

Wanna kiss your lips

I wanna make you feel wanted

And I wanna call you mine

Wanna hold your hand forever

And never let you forget it

Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted