Moving Forward, No Regrets...

Moving Forward with no regrets.

Over the course of my life I have been blessed and tried with several relationships, life experiences, and challenges. I came to the awareness after the loss of my last few significant relationships, that through it all, I have been able to realize the common denominator that has enabled me to move forward and not only survive but THRIVE; having no regrets- no second guessing,no questioning.

As a teen and a very young adult I remember having several regrets,not standing up for what I felt was right, not getting the grades in school that I knew I was capable of, being too meek while on the outside appeared this gorgeous smile and perfect appearance, inside I was constantly disappointed in myself, because I was afraid to offend anyone and or wanted to appease everyone. It led me to make several reckless, destructive, and unloving decisions.

lil C and mama wedding day

>>>Flash forward to the end of the relationship with my daughters father, after months of not being able to connect I threw in the towel because I knew I couldn't go on living the rest of my life as a prisoner in my own home. there were several things that made it an unhealthy relationship from early on but I overlooked it all in favor of creating a family that I felt I owed my daughter.

When he begged me for one more chance and he was willing to do what I had asked of him(counseling) I told him it was too late… and just like that, I had sealed the future for myself and my daughter to go on without him… Thing was though, it wasn't too late, in retrospect I couldn't fathom trying to do it again, but it was always something I wondered “what if?”

Maybe we would have ended up at the same result and the fact that he hasn't seen, talked to, had any kind of contact with his daughter in nearly 7 years may indicate, that saying yes to trying it again would have resulted in the same way. I will never know.

It was shortly after this experience that I subconsciously made a vow to myself to never allow myself to say “What if?” or “I regret not doing….” from that time on I began toiling with my new-found philosophy in small aspects of my life, bringing up a point to my boss, where in previous times I would have said nothing, auditioning for a casting call, spending more time helping those that I loved and showing them.

It started out with small decisions and GREW.

Career

Lil C hard at work. Career day at mama's work

Taking a leap of faith and quitting my secure job of 4 years to attend college to provide a better future for us. All of it with results unknown at the time. And look where that decision landed me :). I kept noticing these little signs from God rewarding my efforts. With that two year AA degree I was able to walk out of college and land my first post college position, that required a BA as a marketing specialist for a food service manufacturer, since then I've pursued other jobs that appeared “above my qualification level” and because I knew what I was capable of and confident in my skills I kept going forward and seizing every opportunity that was presented to me. Career wise there has been no steps back. Leaping from sales to category management, analytics, insights, and to customer adviser.  I am no longer that meek person afraid to share my knowledge, I work my butt off putting 100% into it all with no regrets.

Passion

On set "A Strange Curse of Love"

As a high school cheerleader I discovered my passion to “put on a show”. However once high school was over with, I lost that means of feeding my passion. After making this resolve to have no regrets, and seeing how well it was working I started applying it to other aspects of my life.

Best of Show August Summer Nights 2010 

Even down to pursuing my passion for performing arts and allowing myself to be bold and do, what most people do way before having children. I got back into shape, and took those chances and man what an amazing ride!  I always had a passion for acting and performing and to this day I can say I have been in two  independent films, participated in a couple music videos, performed on stage at several hip hop and music concerts, pursued modeling as a p.t. job doing anything from jewelry auctions, promo events, to bridal shows, and my favorite low riders. Yes all AFTER having my daughter. and you know what It felt good, no longer was I beating myself up saying “I wonder if? Sometimes I would audition for a gig and not get it, but you know what, I knew the answer and had no regrets. :)

Family

Over the past 4 years, during this transformation, of having no regrets,I became a lot closer to my family. I had had several regrets in the past, due to the destructive and rebellious life I chose in my late teens, those actions hurt the people that loved me the most, that looked up to me, and that I put most weight in. I lost their trust from my past actions. It took me a long time to forgive myself. I regret the hurt I caused to those around me. But this new way of living was my way to get back to who I really was.

At that time all I could do was move forward and as a gift, my daughter allowed a softening of their hearts and gave me the motivation to spend more time being with, talking with, and helping out in anyway I was able to. And what an amazing blessing. For my grandparents, Sunday visits were always the norm. and my, how their hearts lit up when I arrived, especially with lil C in tote! The joy in their eyes, that our mere presence provided is enough to warm my heart for years to come…

As I've shared before for the past two years of my life, my grandparents had declined in health and required more assistance in their needs. It was very difficult to watch as they physically and mentally slipped away. I won't go into detail but the respite and physical care that one needs may not be for those faint of heart. We continued our visits weekly or as often as we could till the end. And as each day came inevitably drawing us closer to their death, I had this indescribable sense of peace and unity with them, knowing that if this was the day they left this earth; would I have any regrets? My answer was always no.

Grandpa was first to leave us and what an earthquake it was, there was so much hurt and regret felt by those around me.To this day, I know many of my loved ones are dealing with these regrets.

Grandma left us two months later and the same feelings ensued although it was slightly different. Man she was amazing! as we laid her body to rest I had a full circle moment. At the cemetery where so many of my memories from childhood came back, every holiday we’d go with grandma to pay our respects to those loved ones she had lost, she would go visit her uncle in a less than desirable nursing facility to show him he wasn't alone, and my God her family! She LIVED out her LOVE to her family, Every Day. Anything from cooking you your favorite food on your b-day, to calling to check in, to just being proud of whatever accomplishment you had achieved.

She is who I have emulated my love for my family from. And yes as she quietly slipped away to join our father in heaven and her family,  the first thing I thought was of how grateful I was to have had her in my life and how I had NO regrets in showing her my love.  

And while my heart misses seeing their faces my soul is free because I showed them how I felt never allowing enough time to pass to say oh I should have gone to see them, or I should have called. I was blessed to love them with no regrets.

Love

So down to my relationships... Since this new philosophy came to fruition, the first man I ever actually fell in love with, I married when my daughter was four years old. It was bliss, at first, a whirlwind romance, got married way too soon, but I was convinced this was it! This is where our happy ever after starts…

Immediately in all the action I had lost sight of my focus and allowed my sensors to be down, several external factors from, an irrational ex using a child as a pawn, to his lost work, to an addiction that had resurfaced, it allowed evil to slip in and quickly tear apart this dream. I quickly found myself at the same point I was at with my daughter’s father. Mad at myself that I had allowed this to happen ready to throw in the towel and be done.

So many times I weighed out the pros and cons and nothing seemed encouraging. I became very depressed and lost because I knew that not only myself would be shaken by this but my angel, my world, that I had worked so hard to protect, had now been exposed to the very thing I aimed to keep her away from, a broken home.

I remember having a conversation with a very dear friend of mine whom I confided in and valued her and her husbands advise as if it were gold, because they were living proof that it could work. I remember I was bawling to her that I was at my wits end, I was exhausted, I had tried everything humanly possible to show this man that I loved him and wanted to fight for our marriage, for us and for our kids.

She told me “sometimes when you think you have nothing left, you have to reach deep down further and give even MORE” it was then that I had realized that I could try harder and give more than I had already done. And I did. We tried a marriage retreat and it was amazing it allowed God in our lives and us to focus back on each other, I know 100% had we continued to practice the skills we learned at that Retrouvaille, we would still be together today, but it takes two. I also attempted to reach out to several marriage counselors, meet him halfway, to no avail.. He was battling demons within his own self that he had never put closure to, combine that with alcohol addiction and depression, it rendered him incapable of giving it all he had, or anything for that matter.Which at the time I couldn't understand.

My All wasn't Enough

Man the pain from feeling cheated out of my reward for hard work was unbearable! I couldn't understand. I had done everything, laid it all out there, sacrificed my heart, soul, emotional and physical needs to give this marriage a fighting chance. I was a loyal, faithful, and supportive wife. and in the end it wasn't meant to be. My heart had felt as if it was being stabbed with a million tiny knives I had never experienced the loss of a lover this excruciating; my ALL wasn't enough…

I prayed and prayed and prayed, for God to take these feelings away, I had to keep moving forward and couldn't…

Then one morning the moment of clarity had shown through, I asked myself “did you do all you could do? did you show him how you felt? did you give him an opportunity to come back in?” The answers YES. and the final question: “do you have any regrets? NO.”

Clear as day just like that, that excruciating paralyzing pain had lifted and I was able to move on, yes just like that…

Never had I been faced with such a challenge and I had hoped and prayed not to ever again. I gave myself time to heal at which point it was all made clear to me why it didn't work out and I was ok with it.

New Love

Only recently, I was faced with the same trial, in which I had experienced a new kind of love unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Due to my previous serious relationship I knew I had to proceed with caution. Then as the walls came down this new level of love that I had experienced began to make me feel hopeful for the future.

It was multidimensional; I fell in love with his mind, I wanted to understand his thoughts, I loved his child like soul that I could see though his eyes, and was content just to be in his presence. It was a real eye opening experience. I was unaware that it was even possible to love someone at this level. This made me feel confident that this was something powerful…

I was happy taking it slow this time around knowing that fast was not always the best way. However, after a few ups there began to be more downs, and just like before the inner demons or maybe the person he was all along began to push their way to the forefront of his mind, and he was gone...

(which btw  I am still trying to discover why I am drawn to the very character that I had hoped to never be with, but as with many of us we repeat history, passed on from our family of origin~story for another day)

Devastated

Once again I was faced with devastation. I couldn't figure out why it was hitting me so hard. 

Then I realized there had been things left unsaid… >>>Back to my credo, no regrets…

What did I do? I went back and said to him all I had to say, I showed him all I could show; he was loved, he was valued, I thought he was worth it.

And just as my dear friend had told me, “when you think you've given all there is to give, reach back and pull out more.” and that's just what I did. 

I made it clear, my feelings, my thoughts, my love. It was all laid out on the table. needless to say, it would have been the game changer for someone that was ready, but as we all have seen and experienced, when one cannot truly love themselves they are incapable of loving others, in my heart I know this is true.

Yes this one hurts, but I am going to be just fine. I have no regrets, there are no words left unsaid on my part, malicious or mean actions that I’d wished I hadn't done, I was truly sincere in every effort towards this relationship. Once again, my ALL was not enough, for him. But you know what? It was enough for me to say, “I have no regrets…”

Moving Forward

I gave it my All!

Moving forward in life requires us to let go of the past, the hurt, the memories, the mistakes.

When you give everything you have and find out that the outcome wasn't what you wanted, you are able to be at peace with yourself knowing you didn't half ass it, you put in the full effort- 100%.

Reflecting back on my regrets before I made this change in mindset of my life all those years ago, It took me so long to heal because there were things left unsaid, actions that never took place, or actions that were acted out impulsively and regretted later.

There is something so absolutely liberating about saying “I gave it my ALL!” Always.

You are able to take each disappointment and use it as a step forward, instead of a step back. I put all my faith in the fact that God doesn't take away things, without placing something better in its place.

 And while the ache of the loss still is felt, you can be free knowing, that you have No Regrets...