Being Vulnerable Allows Your True Self to Shine Through

I read a blog the other day that I was able to really relate to; if I would have read it a few years ago, it would have been way over my head. Now it makes perfect sense and offers me validation that there are individuals out there on the same page. I have shared the link with you at the end of this entry.

Allowing someone to see through to your soul is allowing yourself to be vulnerable... Many people believe that by being vulnerable we are weak; I believe the exact opposite. It takes a tremendous amount of faith and courage to open your heart up.  Now, my admiration and appreciation exists for those individuals that allow this, because they are allowing their true selves to be revealed.

No longer am I swayed by the individuals that hide behind forged walls of bravado, colorful words, and smooth talk. It is clear to me that it is all a facade, and when a person of deeper understanding of the soul, sees through them, it is viewed as a challenge; a challenge to their nest of artificial-ness. When they realize that someone sees right through them, and they are not ready to reveal themselves, it poses a threat to what they believe is reality. After having experienced several relationships, with individuals who wore masks and hid behind the artificial cape of counterfeit emotions, I can truly appreciate the sincerity of those that allow their hearts to be seen first. 

It is refreshing and rare to find, but once exposed to this realization of understanding and awareness, I don't ever want to have to go through the trouble of having to painfully dig out who a person is. Good, bad, or indifferent, I want realness. Even, if it is at the expense of allowing myself to be vulnerable. I'm finding that as I have grasped this life lesson, through many painful experiences, I am searching for something so deep, that I cannot go back to what I used to know, even if it means being alone, I refuse to settle for superficial relationships anymore.

It is a liberating feeling to know that my loving someone is no longer seen as a weakness, but strength. Everything I do, I do with passion and conviction, no longer will I be disparaged for wearing my heart on my sleeve and being too “emotional.” Life is so precious, we are a gift to others and love is such a blessing, I want to share it with someone who can justly appreciate and reciprocate it.

Instead, now, I choose to seek out those who wear their heart on their sleeves, those souls that exude genuine character… 

READ NOW: Overcoming the Fear of Vulnerability and Unlocking Your Power

Facing Your Demons Will Set Your Soul Free, Never Let go of Hope

With the recent death of Robin Williams I'm reminded of how so many people are battling their inner demons of depression, addiction, and anxiety. My heart aches for these people, I have felt their pain and it is deep. I know that my struggles may be nothing compared to some, yet unbearable to others. I have witnessed this in those near and dear to my heart, I wish that I could have made a difference in some cases and pray that I still can for some.

This is dedicated to the extraordinary individuals I have known in my life, wishing we could go back in time to give you hope to look forward to better days. You each had something so special about you, that had you seen it, I know you’d still be here with us. RIP Nathan Y. aka Nate Dogg and Andrew M. we still haven't forgotten about you... Much love, and may your souls be at peace.

For the beloved individuals in my life of whom I bear in mind as I write this; my heart is with you as you acknowledge and face your demons, with the desire for something more, something that is tangible proof that it is possible. I pray every day, that you have the strength and fortitude to look with HONESTY deep inside yourself, to set your soul free and that you become at peace in your hearts. You have no idea how much you have impacted my life; you have motivated me and taught me so many life lessons on love, forgiveness, compassion, and hope. You are all so beautiful.

We are all human and capable of great things. I am just as you are, not only have I battled these demons; I have defeated and conquered them, forgiven myself, and moved on. Facing your demons will set your soul Free. We all have them, and too many times we allow ourselves to do just temporary fixes to cover up or put them aside. We convince ourselves that by doing that, we are moving on with our lives, and capable of progression. While this might be true for certain periods of time, it does not last forever... Numerous people go their entire lives layering themselves with different band aids, never allowing themselves to truly feel the wonders of this life. Then, there comes a point when they come to the end of their journey, they realize that they are/were alone. They never experienced true happiness, true Nirvana of this life. There are others who choose to end it, because they just can’t see past the current day, their pain is so deep that they don’t realize that it is possible to conquer it and that hope is just around the corner.

Eventually there comes a point, where you will have to face the music. I realized that when we numb ourselves; whether it be with drugs, alcohol, pills, food, anything, it does not allow us to truly FEEL. We are not actually living; we are merely existing. I have discovered that being able to recognize the pain, understand where it came from, and learn how to prevent it, was vital in enabling me to conquer these demons. I’ll admit that at times it took a long time to get to a place where it no longer consumed me, it was not something that happened overnight; it was the action of constantly being aware of who I was and what my triggers were. By holding on to that hope, that tomorrow will be a better day and by acknowledging that it was only temporary, I was able to take each fall back, with Hope knowing that I will make leaps tomorrow. And guess what? I did…

I reflect on my journey and appreciate how far I've come in my own personal growth. I was able to see what my true demons were, acknowledge them, and took away the power that they had over me. It was not something that I was able to do alone; it was something that I was able to do with the strength of a higher power. It is through HIM that I have been able to continue onward. He has revealed to me along the way that he is HERE. He has sent me encouraging signs that I was on the right path. Even in those times, that I begged him not to let me feel the pain, because it was and at times still is, so very painful, he carried me. When it was all said and done, I was proud, I felt like I'd just conquered Mount Everest. 

I had a conversation with someone the other day; they asked me, “Do you think you would be doing what you're doing now, had you not experienced all those trials?” My answer was: “I don't know, probably not.” I do know this; by experiencing the lowest of lows, I am grateful every day for the simple pleasures of this life I am able to experience life and love to the fullest.

By facing the music, I was able to set my soul free, I am no longer bound by the chains of lies, addiction, and deceit. The dis-ingenuousness in my soul no longer exists. My heart feels clean, pure, and honest. By having an unpolluted soul, we are able to think and realize that no matter what comes our way, we will conquer it. I take each step back, just as a bump in the road as opposed to an earth quake. I have realized I am stronger than I ever thought possible and that, in and of itself, is so empowering!

Yet I see that so many people are afraid to face the reality, they are afraid to acknowledge that they are at war within themselves. It may be because they are afraid of what feelings it may uncover, they're afraid to feel. They are afraid of being judged. All of it boils down to FEAR. With that, you know what I have discovered is the most amazing thing about faith? When you allow your faith be bigger than your fears you will ALWAYS move forward.

It’s taking that leap of faith. It was that desire to want something sooo bad. To be rid of that toxicity in my heart, in my soul, in my life. Failure was not an option. Facing those demons set my soul free. And although it has been nearly 8 years since I faced my biggest demons, there have been other trials since. They have challenged me to be honest with myself and face reality, as much as it hurt. With each day I realized that as long as I was putting something into it, my heart and my soul, God fulfilled the rest. Please know there is no shame in asking for help. There is no shame in acknowledging that we are human and at times we are weak. We need a higher power to help strengthen and restore us. HE gives us the power to conquer what is holding us back. Do not let go of hope, I promise, better days are just around the corner. I am human I am weak and I have been given new life through him, and have faith that you can too… Take that leap of faith, set your soul free, and fly!  

Don’t be afraid to ask for help, reach out to a counselor, health provider, or spiritual adviser. There is always a way.

Desire

That’s Not what I meant!!!” I blurted out loud in frustration. My comment was directed at God on my way home from my second date with a new friend. I couldn't believe that at this point in my life I was once again being viewed as nothing more than a hot piece of meat…

It had been a long journey to get to the point where this made sense to me, but after having been in past unhealthy relationships that I was meant to feel like nothing, to realize that the person you love, gave more respect and attention to a perfect stranger than his own wife, I understood. These relationships shook my very being as a person. They were very hurtful, yet after it all was said and done, humbling. By humbling, I mean that never before had I truly understood what it felt like to give all of yourself, simply out of love and to not have it returned. I was not appreciated, loved or desired. it was  then I saw I was in a position that no matter what I did, nothing would change that feeling or the way I was treated.  

So moving on with my life, several months after the divorce, I began dating a particular individual that had not made his intentions and feelings quite clear to me and I had grown frustrated with him. I had resolved that I would begin seeking out what I truly wanted and not “place all my eggs in that basket.”

This relationship was not fulfilling my emotional need to feel desired. In the sense that I describe it, it is so much more than what would automatically come to your mind. While many confuse physical desire and emotional desire as the same thing, I was all too aware of the difference and was aiming for the one that would last when the beauty faded.  

I wanted to feel wanted. As simple as it sounded, that was it...

I allowed the opportunity to meet new people and placed myself out there again. I am a firm believer that if you want something, you must place your intentions out there, do your part to make it happen and then leave the rest up to God.

So there I was second date with Mr. Doctor and Lawyer, divorced but appeared humble, stimulated me mentally, hands on father, secure, established etc.. right …We’d had conversations that I had thought allowed him to see deeper inside me than the outside shell that God wrapped me in. We shared several things in common and I’d thought we were moving forward to something more than superficial.

And then the moves came on... His advances towards me were not subtle he was like a high school hormone driven boy that had never touched a girl! It was clear that he never even allowed the opportunity to see past my physical appeal, he only wanted me for one thing, his physical desires.

How naive and shallow was I in my younger years! Before, I had considered it a compliment that I was desired in this way, I fed off of it, it made me feel invincible and now it was  a slap in the face! I was so confident that the inner me was so much more appealing than what my exterior ever looked like and how could he not see that?

I realized that it’s all a matter of mindset- a deeper level.  Despite this man having much more life experience than me, nearly 15 years to be exact, he had still had never achieved the desire to look into someone’s soul, feel their energy, understand their thoughts. It was sad and discouraging, yet at the same time ironic, at that moment in my life.

However, it proved to me the actual kind of desire that I was craving, the desire I so desperately wanted… intimate, authentic, unwavering desire.

What do you value in a relationship, how do you feel loved? Is it only on the surface or is it much deeper than that?

Desire... It's easy to be the object of a man's sexual desires. It's primal, its what they are genetically engineered for, however it is another to have him desire you for your mind, to seek out your soul, and to touch your heart.

If he desires you in this way it is something that will be endless. It posses the ability to last even when the other has faded. What an amazing feeling to truly feel loved and desired in this way!

I believe this experience was God’s way of asking me, “What do you mean by you want to feel desired? Do you know what you mean?”

How do the people you love show you that you are desired? How do you show them? is it more than skin deep, will it last when all the beauty fades?

The word to this song never truly resonated until this point in my life now I get, now I understand. :)

You know I'd fall apart without you

I don't know how you do what you do

'Cause everything that don't make sense about me. 
Makes sense when I'm with you...

Anyone can tell you you're pretty, yeah

And you get that all the time, I know you do

But your beauty's deeper than the make-up

And I wanna show you what I see tonight...

And I just wanna wrap you up

Wanna kiss your lips

I wanna make you feel wanted

And I wanna call you mine

Wanna hold your hand forever

And never let you forget it

Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted

           

Moving Forward, No Regrets...

Moving Forward with no regrets.

Over the course of my life I have been blessed and tried with several relationships, life experiences, and challenges. I came to the awareness after the loss of my last few significant relationships, that through it all, I have been able to realize the common denominator that has enabled me to move forward and not only survive but THRIVE; having no regrets- no second guessing,no questioning.

As a teen and a very young adult I remember having several regrets,not standing up for what I felt was right, not getting the grades in school that I knew I was capable of, being too meek while on the outside appeared this gorgeous smile and perfect appearance, inside I was constantly disappointed in myself, because I was afraid to offend anyone and or wanted to appease everyone. It led me to make several reckless, destructive, and unloving decisions.

lil C and mama wedding day

>>>Flash forward to the end of the relationship with my daughters father, after months of not being able to connect I threw in the towel because I knew I couldn't go on living the rest of my life as a prisoner in my own home. there were several things that made it an unhealthy relationship from early on but I overlooked it all in favor of creating a family that I felt I owed my daughter.

When he begged me for one more chance and he was willing to do what I had asked of him(counseling) I told him it was too late… and just like that, I had sealed the future for myself and my daughter to go on without him… Thing was though, it wasn't too late, in retrospect I couldn't fathom trying to do it again, but it was always something I wondered “what if?”

Maybe we would have ended up at the same result and the fact that he hasn't seen, talked to, had any kind of contact with his daughter in nearly 7 years may indicate, that saying yes to trying it again would have resulted in the same way. I will never know.

It was shortly after this experience that I subconsciously made a vow to myself to never allow myself to say “What if?” or “I regret not doing….” from that time on I began toiling with my new-found philosophy in small aspects of my life, bringing up a point to my boss, where in previous times I would have said nothing, auditioning for a casting call, spending more time helping those that I loved and showing them.

It started out with small decisions and GREW.

Career

Lil C hard at work. Career day at mama's work

Taking a leap of faith and quitting my secure job of 4 years to attend college to provide a better future for us. All of it with results unknown at the time. And look where that decision landed me :). I kept noticing these little signs from God rewarding my efforts. With that two year AA degree I was able to walk out of college and land my first post college position, that required a BA as a marketing specialist for a food service manufacturer, since then I've pursued other jobs that appeared “above my qualification level” and because I knew what I was capable of and confident in my skills I kept going forward and seizing every opportunity that was presented to me. Career wise there has been no steps back. Leaping from sales to category management, analytics, insights, and to customer adviser.  I am no longer that meek person afraid to share my knowledge, I work my butt off putting 100% into it all with no regrets.

Passion

On set "A Strange Curse of Love"

As a high school cheerleader I discovered my passion to “put on a show”. However once high school was over with, I lost that means of feeding my passion. After making this resolve to have no regrets, and seeing how well it was working I started applying it to other aspects of my life.

Best of Show August Summer Nights 2010 

Even down to pursuing my passion for performing arts and allowing myself to be bold and do, what most people do way before having children. I got back into shape, and took those chances and man what an amazing ride!  I always had a passion for acting and performing and to this day I can say I have been in two  independent films, participated in a couple music videos, performed on stage at several hip hop and music concerts, pursued modeling as a p.t. job doing anything from jewelry auctions, promo events, to bridal shows, and my favorite low riders. Yes all AFTER having my daughter. and you know what It felt good, no longer was I beating myself up saying “I wonder if? Sometimes I would audition for a gig and not get it, but you know what, I knew the answer and had no regrets. :)

Family

Over the past 4 years, during this transformation, of having no regrets,I became a lot closer to my family. I had had several regrets in the past, due to the destructive and rebellious life I chose in my late teens, those actions hurt the people that loved me the most, that looked up to me, and that I put most weight in. I lost their trust from my past actions. It took me a long time to forgive myself. I regret the hurt I caused to those around me. But this new way of living was my way to get back to who I really was.

At that time all I could do was move forward and as a gift, my daughter allowed a softening of their hearts and gave me the motivation to spend more time being with, talking with, and helping out in anyway I was able to. And what an amazing blessing. For my grandparents, Sunday visits were always the norm. and my, how their hearts lit up when I arrived, especially with lil C in tote! The joy in their eyes, that our mere presence provided is enough to warm my heart for years to come…

As I've shared before for the past two years of my life, my grandparents had declined in health and required more assistance in their needs. It was very difficult to watch as they physically and mentally slipped away. I won't go into detail but the respite and physical care that one needs may not be for those faint of heart. We continued our visits weekly or as often as we could till the end. And as each day came inevitably drawing us closer to their death, I had this indescribable sense of peace and unity with them, knowing that if this was the day they left this earth; would I have any regrets? My answer was always no.

Grandpa was first to leave us and what an earthquake it was, there was so much hurt and regret felt by those around me.To this day, I know many of my loved ones are dealing with these regrets.

Grandma left us two months later and the same feelings ensued although it was slightly different. Man she was amazing! as we laid her body to rest I had a full circle moment. At the cemetery where so many of my memories from childhood came back, every holiday we’d go with grandma to pay our respects to those loved ones she had lost, she would go visit her uncle in a less than desirable nursing facility to show him he wasn't alone, and my God her family! She LIVED out her LOVE to her family, Every Day. Anything from cooking you your favorite food on your b-day, to calling to check in, to just being proud of whatever accomplishment you had achieved.

She is who I have emulated my love for my family from. And yes as she quietly slipped away to join our father in heaven and her family,  the first thing I thought was of how grateful I was to have had her in my life and how I had NO regrets in showing her my love.  

And while my heart misses seeing their faces my soul is free because I showed them how I felt never allowing enough time to pass to say oh I should have gone to see them, or I should have called. I was blessed to love them with no regrets.

Love

So down to my relationships... Since this new philosophy came to fruition, the first man I ever actually fell in love with, I married when my daughter was four years old. It was bliss, at first, a whirlwind romance, got married way too soon, but I was convinced this was it! This is where our happy ever after starts…

Immediately in all the action I had lost sight of my focus and allowed my sensors to be down, several external factors from, an irrational ex using a child as a pawn, to his lost work, to an addiction that had resurfaced, it allowed evil to slip in and quickly tear apart this dream. I quickly found myself at the same point I was at with my daughter’s father. Mad at myself that I had allowed this to happen ready to throw in the towel and be done.

So many times I weighed out the pros and cons and nothing seemed encouraging. I became very depressed and lost because I knew that not only myself would be shaken by this but my angel, my world, that I had worked so hard to protect, had now been exposed to the very thing I aimed to keep her away from, a broken home.

I remember having a conversation with a very dear friend of mine whom I confided in and valued her and her husbands advise as if it were gold, because they were living proof that it could work. I remember I was bawling to her that I was at my wits end, I was exhausted, I had tried everything humanly possible to show this man that I loved him and wanted to fight for our marriage, for us and for our kids.

She told me “sometimes when you think you have nothing left, you have to reach deep down further and give even MORE” it was then that I had realized that I could try harder and give more than I had already done. And I did. We tried a marriage retreat and it was amazing it allowed God in our lives and us to focus back on each other, I know 100% had we continued to practice the skills we learned at that Retrouvaille, we would still be together today, but it takes two. I also attempted to reach out to several marriage counselors, meet him halfway, to no avail.. He was battling demons within his own self that he had never put closure to, combine that with alcohol addiction and depression, it rendered him incapable of giving it all he had, or anything for that matter.Which at the time I couldn't understand.

My All wasn't Enough

Man the pain from feeling cheated out of my reward for hard work was unbearable! I couldn't understand. I had done everything, laid it all out there, sacrificed my heart, soul, emotional and physical needs to give this marriage a fighting chance. I was a loyal, faithful, and supportive wife. and in the end it wasn't meant to be. My heart had felt as if it was being stabbed with a million tiny knives I had never experienced the loss of a lover this excruciating; my ALL wasn't enough…

I prayed and prayed and prayed, for God to take these feelings away, I had to keep moving forward and couldn't…

Then one morning the moment of clarity had shown through, I asked myself “did you do all you could do? did you show him how you felt? did you give him an opportunity to come back in?” The answers YES. and the final question: “do you have any regrets? NO.”

Clear as day just like that, that excruciating paralyzing pain had lifted and I was able to move on, yes just like that…

Never had I been faced with such a challenge and I had hoped and prayed not to ever again. I gave myself time to heal at which point it was all made clear to me why it didn't work out and I was ok with it.

New Love

Only recently, I was faced with the same trial, in which I had experienced a new kind of love unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Due to my previous serious relationship I knew I had to proceed with caution. Then as the walls came down this new level of love that I had experienced began to make me feel hopeful for the future.

It was multidimensional; I fell in love with his mind, I wanted to understand his thoughts, I loved his child like soul that I could see though his eyes, and was content just to be in his presence. It was a real eye opening experience. I was unaware that it was even possible to love someone at this level. This made me feel confident that this was something powerful…

I was happy taking it slow this time around knowing that fast was not always the best way. However, after a few ups there began to be more downs, and just like before the inner demons or maybe the person he was all along began to push their way to the forefront of his mind, and he was gone...

(which btw  I am still trying to discover why I am drawn to the very character that I had hoped to never be with, but as with many of us we repeat history, passed on from our family of origin~story for another day)

Devastated

Once again I was faced with devastation. I couldn't figure out why it was hitting me so hard. 

Then I realized there had been things left unsaid… >>>Back to my credo, no regrets…

What did I do? I went back and said to him all I had to say, I showed him all I could show; he was loved, he was valued, I thought he was worth it.

And just as my dear friend had told me, “when you think you've given all there is to give, reach back and pull out more.” and that's just what I did. 

I made it clear, my feelings, my thoughts, my love. It was all laid out on the table. needless to say, it would have been the game changer for someone that was ready, but as we all have seen and experienced, when one cannot truly love themselves they are incapable of loving others, in my heart I know this is true.

Yes this one hurts, but I am going to be just fine. I have no regrets, there are no words left unsaid on my part, malicious or mean actions that I’d wished I hadn't done, I was truly sincere in every effort towards this relationship. Once again, my ALL was not enough, for him. But you know what? It was enough for me to say, “I have no regrets…”

Moving Forward

I gave it my All!

Moving forward in life requires us to let go of the past, the hurt, the memories, the mistakes.

When you give everything you have and find out that the outcome wasn't what you wanted, you are able to be at peace with yourself knowing you didn't half ass it, you put in the full effort- 100%.

Reflecting back on my regrets before I made this change in mindset of my life all those years ago, It took me so long to heal because there were things left unsaid, actions that never took place, or actions that were acted out impulsively and regretted later.

There is something so absolutely liberating about saying “I gave it my ALL!” Always.

You are able to take each disappointment and use it as a step forward, instead of a step back. I put all my faith in the fact that God doesn't take away things, without placing something better in its place.

 And while the ache of the loss still is felt, you can be free knowing, that you have No Regrets...