My Forced Hiatus

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Hi all! Wow it has been just over 3 weeks (24 days) since the last time that I've posted and for me, it has honestly left a void that has not been met since. I thought I would take a moment to fill you in on why there hasn't been much activity from me as of lately. I was under the weather for some time, having experience constant tension headaches and migraines back to back, day after day. It was extremely frustrating, disheartening and confusing as I am still unable to say with confidence that this bout of dis-alignment with my body is done for good. I can only pray that it is.

I've missed some work, but the lovely thing (sarcasm) about being a single mom with NO OTHER source of income is that day after day, sometimes you just have to suck it up, put on your big girl panties, and keep pushing on! Well this is exactly what I did until my body crashed at which point I ended up  seeing the doctor, getting an extremely painful shot of Toradol in my butt and several Rxs for meds that I can’t even drill down, if any worked.  So, needless to say it has been tough, however, once again I have been made extremely aware of just how damn strong I can be, when being strong is the ONLY option you have. My only regret through all of this, is that my poor baby was somewhat neglected and due to the fact that as soon as I got home every night I was lying down, I was not able to engage with her as much as she deserves. She is such a good girl and was patient and self-entertained. I am soo indescribably blessed with this child. 

Anyways through it all my thoughts have been a major jumble. So many things have come to fruition during this time, my eyes have been open to so many things and I am very eager to share with you what I have learned and been graciously reminded of. Yet, due to the fact that I am still not back to 100%, and absolutely do not want to regress, I am listening to my body and taking things slow so not putting pressure on myself. I want it to be free flowing as all my past excerpts have been. 

I am a firm believer of “practicing what you preach” and to quote Gandhi, I aim to “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I must share that I am at a point of misalignment and discourse within my heart and soul and am not sure if it is because of the stress of being so sick and not being able to control the situation on top of being stretched thin with my job.  Either way, I am working on sorting it out so that I can share with you all the revelations Ive had in this time.

Sometimes I wonder if God was trying so hard to get my attention, that this was the only way to do it, to get me to sit still for a minute and listen! I am at a crossroads in my life and I have had this feeling several times before. It is an intuition that a major change is going to happen and I welcome it, because I know it represents growth.  I am optimistically awaiting what it will be.  I am finding still, no matter how self-disciplined an individual may be, it is easy to get distracted, and these distractions are all surrounding me right now . So rather than stressing about needing to make a  move I am trying so hard to just sit back, let the smoke clear and let God lead the way… So we shall see.:)

Anyways my point being that I want the information and insights from my life to be relevant and helpful and I do not feel that I am currently at a point where I can describe these points eloquently enough, just for the moment being. I am hoping by next week I will be there. 

I will stop rambling and end with some of my points of discovery from the past few weeks:

1. In today’s society is it becoming ever increasingly harder to hear Gods voice, If you don’t make time to listen to where he is guiding you, he will find a way to reach you.  After that, it’s your choice on what you choose to do with where he is directing you. It’s been proven time and time again to me that I am in charge of my own destiny and this is the first step; it determines whether I move forward or by choosing to not adhere, realizing that, the wrong decision will set me back in this journey we call life. Do you have the courage to execute on where you are being led?

2. Choose empathy for others as a skill to cultivate and integrate as part of your life. Unfortunately, I get so caught up in the "Macho Mom" complex that at times I expect everyone to suck it up. I now realize how different people are and at times they all just can’t do that. For years, I have viewed my mother as a pillar of strength for me and to now see her as this new person, mourning the loss of both of her beloved parents among the loss of another dear relationship to her. I have realized that she is not superwoman, she has overcome great adversity, she has feelings and it will take so much time to heal, thank you to my sister for allowing me to be more cognizant of that. It is something I struggle with as I expect those that I love to be capable of what I am and I need to love them as they are and speak love. I've found that when I cannot develop empathy for others on my own, over and over, I have sure enough be placed in a role that I am forced to feel the struggles that they are dealing with. 

3. Appreciate the little things I know this is redundantly said all over but its true!-Oh how quickly they can be taken away! I APPRECIATE waking up in the morning with a clear head, I am grateful for the time that I am able to be with my amazing child. I am grateful that she enjoys and is eager to be with her mama I am soo blessed, this child blows my mind on a daily!

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4. And Lastly, I have discovered that children sometimes are the teachers, lord they drive you crazy but shoot over the past few weeks I have seen my angel blossom into this amazing spirit that I am so proud of. She has stepped up and accepted responsibility in a time of adversity, she has so much empathy for others, and overall her soul has shined so bright, it is contagious. Her happiness is my reward and motivation to keep going, I know I am doing something right.